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I'm so tired today, of course I did just decide to roll out of bed so I would assume that maybe I'm just still groggy. In any case, J is gone to Anime North and M is going to be glued to the PS3 all weekend, so I'm looking at the next couple of days of peace with a smile.

Lately I've taken to walking the trails in the forest to pass time and calm myself. It is really working wonders. I really enjoy going, I might even attempt to explore up the road allowance at the end of our road, but I may not do that for a little while until the ground dries up a bit more.

On another note, my dearest little brother agreed to help me out with my financial problems this month. That really relieves me since I would have had to sell a lot of my stuff to be able to pay M back, pay rent, and my phone bill. Next month I plan on going on financial assistance if my doctor continues to say that I cannot work.

Anyway, until then.
<3

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It seems that no one will ever learn. Everything that happens behind my back, ends up coming to me in the end. I don't suppose honesty was taught very well, and it is a pity really since I was really beginning to trust them. Unfortunately, it isn't in my nature to forget and forgive, so if they were afraid their actions would upset me, they needn't fear. I'm not upset, I'm furious and I know exactly what I'm going to do.

I've been called cold-hearted and vindictive and I'm going to live up to that representation. Perhaps when I'm done with them they'll learn it is better to be my friend than my enemy.

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I've spent a lot of time on Gaia these last few days... of course, it could be because of the novelty of my own laptop. I doubt it will fade away so soon, for I've never owned something so amazing in my entire life. n_n

I really want to get working on my book, but I really haven't found any inspiration these last few weeks. Though I did manage to add another paragraph over the last week. wow, I know that doesn't sound like much but because of how displaced I feel now, I will consider that a huge success.

Tomorrow is going to be super busy for me. I'm going to my parents place for 8am where I'll try to explain to them why I turned down the job at A&W but I doubt telling them it's so I can "find myself" will ease their minds. Of course, they all about the depression and want me to happy again, I know they want me to get out in the world and do something productive for society. Pssh I say! Taking orders at a drive-thru window is not being productive...

Anyway, then I'm meeting kayla down at the Mezzaluna, which is a really awesome sophisticated cafe, at 11am. Our friendship sort of fizzled out for a few months there and I'm hoping to sort of rekindle that because well, I really did enjoy her company even though she annoys the hell out of me sometimes. From there I'll head over to another coffee shop to meet my friend Katie at 1pm. She just came back from university so I figure it would be nice to catch up with her.

After hanging out with katie for a bit I'll go meet up with Brian around 2:45-3pm ( hopefully not at another coffee shop) and he'll go with me to my doctors appointment and wait for me. After which we'll head to Ace to get dinner.

So yes, tomorrow will be a very busy day. ;p I am actually really looking forward to it. <3

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Well as if things weren't already complicated for me, I go and find myself in a whole new mess. I don't want to elaborate but well, there is a certain boundary that is beginning to come up fast.

Oh well, I suppose i'll just have to be very careful and keep an eye on things.

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I am now the proud owner of the cutest little laptop ever created. It may not have a large hard drive, but I can use an external one. What it lacks in disk size it makes up for in usefulness. It enables me to do exactly what I love to do online, thus it's perfect.

In other news, I believe I will sell my soul to A&W and accept the job offer. I hate working in fastfood, but it will do for now. Besides, at least I know someone there though I'll probably never be on the same shift. ;P

Brother's birthday is soon! He'll be legal, lol.
I am wishing for the perfect day for him, then he will be happy. <3

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I'm not sure what to say really.
I've been diagnosed. Depression.
Medicated. I feel high 24/7 and can hardly say two sentences without messing something up.

I've been getting this tight, sickening feeling in my chest. Like there is some infected part of me that needs to be removed. It's consuming sometimes and I hate feeling like that. Defective, or broken. I really wish I could go back to the way I was, but I can't really remember who that was.

I don't know who I am right now. I try and try, but when someone asks me what I like to do, I can't remember or think of anything. I really feel as if I have no one to help me, it's understandable though. No one knows what it feels like.

Also, I find these pills make me insensitive. It's not fixing the problem... just masking my ability to show emotion. Plus, I think I may have upset him... I'm not sure how, but I feel sorry. At least, I think I do.

The doctor I spoke to at the hospital told me that I'm not suicidal, it's just that I no longer enjoy living. It's true. I'd rather not die, but... what I'm doing is not really living, merely existing.

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I need to get out more.
I love to laze around and enjoy listening to the soft sounds of the birds outside as I relax in my dim room listening to my yoga music. But...
I miss socializing. I used to have so many friends and so many places to go, but I find that now I'm not always interested in seeing them. Still, it upsets me when they leave me out.

My date last night went extremely well considering I was so nervous beforehand. He was a very charming guy with an amazing sense of humour and we found that we did not lack in interests or conversation the whole night. It lasted just over five hours. Though it was strange to me, I let him hold my hand for a bit.
He really is a great man, but... I feel almost... dirty for going on a date with someone almost twice my age. He texts me all the time while he's at work, and makes pleasant conversation but, I just don't feel the spark he does.

Then there is Fisher.
He was a guy that had a thing for me when I was in grade ten and he was already on his victory lap. I turned him down, and quite harshly too. He contacted me the other day and we've sort of rekindled our friendship but I can tell that he's interested in taking over the boyfriend's old place. ( I suppose I'll have to call the boyfriend something else now, huh? Since he isn't anymore).

I'm not sure what to do anymore. I... I still wish everything would just go away, but... at the same time. If it did? Would the pain remain or fade away like an old memory? I'm not sure if that is what I want. Everything that has happened to me, I've kept within myself and grown from the experience. Being the one left behind, well, it showed me that point of view where as before, I was the one doing the walking. I never knew someone could hurt so much from something so... small.

In other news, I have a bike. My Loveless anime came in the mail, as did my income tax thing, and I might be going to the movies tonight. Life may not be good, but in the chaos at least there is a little fun.

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Do you hate being lied to?
Yeah... Me too.
That's pretty much all I have to say about that really.

In other news, It's unnaturally hot here. Normally at this time of year I'd expect it to be around 10 degrees C. Is it? No... more like 25 degrees C. It makes me wonder whether or not it's going to be blazing in August or disappointingly chilly. Either way I'm still glad for the nice weather, as long as their are no bad results from it.

So, in the past few weeks a lot has happened. I've made new friends, lost a job due to a bad reference from a woman who hates me, got offered my dream job, and sort of rekindled something with my mother. I'm not sure where we stand but at least she knows I don't hate her, more of a pitying feeling really. Also, I have a date tonight. Which I'm really really nervous about. Not because the guy is creepy, or that I'm going out of the area but rather the fact that this guy... no, man, is 14 years older than I am.

It's a little weird to me, but he has been nice to me so I guess I at least owe him a chance. Still, I feel the need to have a friend near by to save me if anything uncomfortable should come up.

Speaking of this friend, I'm really annoyed with him right now. Telling me he'll come back soon inplys that he will do just that right? Come back soon. Well, that was at 11:45am... it is now 4:00pm... Yep, that's definitely soon. I know he loves hanging out with friends, but I thought I was his friend too and that I deserved not to be lied to or ignored. Oh well, right? I guess I'm not that important after all.

Oooh! and I might be getting a bike today. Which makes me happy. Yay exercise. ☺

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I no longer have to wait anymore, he decided on the first.
It was too hard for him and he was tired from trying.
He dumped me.

Needless to say, I was devestated.
I'd never been dumped before, I was never weak enough to let the ball fall in their court. I was always in charge, always the one to walk away.
I never knew what it felt like to be the one left behind.

Fortunately, I am not as weak as that situation made me feel. Though I will admit to crying myself to sleep a few nights there, were it hurt to breathe or even think of facing the next day alone.
But... I am ENDLESS.

We had a discussion about it on the fourth. I swallowed my pride and admitted my own mistakes and what we should have done to keep from ending up where we were. He agreed and saw it in reasonable light. We are no longer broken up, but rather on " a break".  He is at a tough time in his life trying to figure out who he is and what he wants. I know that as I give him this time he needs, he may come to the conclusion that he actually doesn't want to be with me.

( As opposed to what you may think, he didn't break up with me because he didn't love me or want to be with me. It broke his heart more than mine. )

He is not the only one who needs to sort out their priorities. I know who I am and what I am capable of, it's just that I do not know what I want. At this time in my life, I don't know if I want stay being the person I am or if I want to change. Cast off the past and name that binds me and take on a new persona. A new destiny.

Perhaps when I'm well into my twenties, thirties, forties... and so on, I'll feel just the same. I've realized now how hard it must be for those in the world who are ashamed of being alone or feel as if solitude is all they deserve. For a brief moment there, I almost sympathized. Almost, but I'm better than that. If you are feeling pain, don't just lie there and wait for it to be over. Get up, and keep going.

 All I know for right now is that I want to be the one who walks away.

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